he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
