So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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