Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
