I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
