I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
