Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
