did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
