I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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