Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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