I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
