She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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