hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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