I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
