This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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