On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
