Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
