that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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