I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
this is an emotional support booty call
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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