Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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