We're like a lot better than the average bears
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
