i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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