I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
