just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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