If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
