I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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