Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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