I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
