How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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