i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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