dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
