that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
