I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
