I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
