I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize