then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
