Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
