I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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