I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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