I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
