eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
