Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I did not marry a roomba.
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