I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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