Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
