i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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