apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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