Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
