Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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