new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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