You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
