I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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