the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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