he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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