you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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