sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
