So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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