WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
