you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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