My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he shaved USA in his pubs
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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