She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
