Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
