I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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